So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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