i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
