Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize