What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Life is so much better after having sex.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
