oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
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