i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
