she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
