ugly people sure do ruin things
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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