One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Randomize
