a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
