u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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