did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
i was looking up hair salons in ithaca for the wedding and one is a hair salon/ sake bar! you can have sake or champagne while you get your hair done!
question, how would one sake-bomb while getting hair done without getting a horrible haircut?
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
