And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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