I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
Randomize
