I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
tell me about the eggs
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
