Quick, to the slutcave!
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Randomize
