So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
