I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
