Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
