the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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