tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
