I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Randomize
