I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
