Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
