that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
