Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
