I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Two words: nipple clamps
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