I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
