Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
