I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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