Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Randomize
