woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
