I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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