you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize