her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize
