Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
