New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
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