I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
You ruined the universe
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Randomize
