I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Randomize
