Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
