Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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