I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Randomize
