have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
he was CRYING into my vagina
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize