I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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