that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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