do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
