If i come over, it means nothing
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
