I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
Randomize
