Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Randomize
