I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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