Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
