p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Randomize
