I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
