Everytime we come here you have an ex here.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
It's rum buckets o'clock
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
