The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
