It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
