i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
