Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Randomize
