Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
No I am not eating basil off your cock
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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