so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
You are the jesus of drinking
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
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