Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
