Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
