I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize